作者：三島由紀夫

《金閣寺》是三島最著名的作品，耐讀性極高，屬於那種多翻幾遍也不覺膩的文學。它引人入勝之處，在於整個格局的立足點：口吃的主角。主角的口吃，隔絕了他與世界的連結，使他永遠處於一種抽離、冷眼旁觀的狀態，讀者由此角度一同觀望世界，嶄新的視野締造出另一番對人事物的認識，因而富有趣味和啟發性。而三島那深入內在、細緻的描寫手法彷彿要把景物隱沒於人前的美徹底勾勒出來，就文字閱讀而言已是美不勝收。縱貫全書，各樣事物的對比和其探討融入情節，例如美與醜、健全與殘障、光明與黑暗、白晝與黑夜、永恆與毀滅……更甚有設合主題的禪宗公案討論。閱讀《金閣寺》就像是發現世界上由他者的獨特目光所點亮的受人忽略的一隅，而其又確實存在於世界之中。所謂的離經叛道，也是其中一種存在方式。

全書最深刻之處為第八章結尾：主角溝口得知摯友鶴川的死亡真相和由此透露的鶴川內心的一面。雖然著墨不多，但感覺相當衝擊，尤其鶴川在主角眼中一向代表光明、白晝、夏天，充滿善意，能把主角陰鬱的感情翻譯為光明的情感……得悉當下，頃刻有什麼塌下形成陰影，使鶴川發出的光亮不再獨存。光展於外，暗藏於心，此乃鶴川原本的面貌，也是世人的寫照，種種對立縱使看似迥異，卻又是理所當然似地融和並存。

緊接著，八字腳柏木和主角所討論的，改變世界的是「認識」抑或「行為」，以及主角終於宣之於口的：「美是我的怨敵。」（日文原文：「美は……美的なものはもう僕にとっては怨敵なんだ」如果識日文你話幾好呢）此處不得不聯想起三島自己的人生。主角的結論也許是三島當下的結論也說不定。金閣（美的投射）囚禁著自己，唯有毀掉金閣，自己才能重新活著。有趣之處是，主角一直希望與金閣同歸於盡，卻在最後關頭發現金閣的頂層鎖上，無計可施之下唯有逃走並選擇活下去。或者，這也是三島曾經的選擇，但他終究沒有在這條路上繼續走下去。

本來想順住三島的書寫次序閱讀他的作品，不過機緣巧合之下還是以《金閣寺》作為我的第二本書。其蘊含的內涵實在過於豐富，以致可以有多番解讀，隨著對三島的認識越深，對《金閣寺》也許會有更多方面的感受。

PS 好想睇得明原文！實在太靚。

作者：三島由紀夫

印象中的三島由紀夫，充滿理念，精神強大，體格健壯，眉宇間滲透出狂傲。他最終傳奇性的以切腹結束一生，反映他對某種價值的執著。讀完《假面的告白》，有種「果然這就是三島」的感覺。縱然他認為告白的本質是不可能，人終究是無法做到真正的告白，只會有戴著面具的告白，但書中他藉著主角「我」所作的自我剖析卻使人感到無比真誠，種種虛無得難以捉摸的情感經他實在的形容變得靈活而看得見。我尤其沉醉於第一、二章他那幾段影響深遠的童年回憶和他對年長幾歲的同學近江的描述。

三島筆下的近江即若他眼中的近江那般耀眼，由他的注視我彷彿明白到St. Sebastian肉體的誘人之處，那是難以言表的一種吸引力，是生命的那種毫無顧忌地綻放、從深處破體而出的力量，而這股爆發力將招致最轟烈的死亡。這種完結象徵生命純然的美麗，也許就是三島終生想要達到的那種殉教式的美麗。有人會以欣欣向榮的無盡生機去理解和頌讚生命，而三島則是利用死亡去展現生命的極致：將潛藏的生命力引爆如花火，然後將生命定格於最燦爛的一刻——彷若在高峰倏然而止。唯有死亡才能如此做到。

而他對年輕狂妄的男性肉體的慾望，或許可以歸咎於他自幼的體弱和被祖母撫養長大（和限制）的生活。人缺少了什麼，就會不自覺地拼命去追求什麼。那慾望背後的是愛和嫉妒，是既自卑嚮往又想超越的情感混合，甚至乎是超脫現實的一種精神的執著。

到後來近江自他的生命中消失（其實當其時也不過是中學），二十歲的他喜歡上了朋友的妹妹園子，到底他真的愛園子嗎？還是為了追求演技，不期然將對「正常」的求知慾誤判成愛慾？男人真的可以沒有慾念地愛上女人嗎？那麼，在三島與園子接吻後所感到的那股彷如期望落失的悲傷是何故？最後，兩人分離又重遇，三島似乎意欲和已婚的園子發展精神上的交往，可是他熱愛的始終是粗獷野蠻的年輕男子軀體，幾乎男子的一個呼吸就能把園子的存在像塵埃一樣輕易吹走。問題的答案顯而易見。

這是我首本接觸三島由紀夫的作品。雖然是自傳式小說，感覺倒很真實，至少覺得那些個人情感深刻得無法作假。根據維基百科，三島說除了一些人物原型的修改，所有故事情節皆來自個人經歷。而現實的三島後來也有結婚生子，到底他是如何克服生理上的障礙？關於三島，尚有很多事情想了解，他的人生有種詩意式的感覺，彷彿其人本身就是藝術作品，任何對他斬釘截鐵的邏輯判斷都是一種抽離的解讀，不完整。

我發覺我的表達也是很個人化的。總之我是非常享受閱讀這部小說。

個幾月前一口氣睇哂全卷62話，深受感動，縈迴徹夜。

《地。》獲得漫畫大賞2021第二名（題外話：第一名的是《葬送的芙莉蓮》，非一般的魔王/勇者/魔法使故事，劇情令人期待；第十名的則是近來動畫化後大受歡迎的《SPY×FAMILY 間諜家家酒》）和第26屆手塚治虫文化獎漫畫大獎，其中作者魚豊是手塚治虫文化獎史上最年輕的受賞者（才24歲）。魚豊一開始的作品質素就非同凡響，故事控制得遊刃有餘，整體完滿，實在很難不企盼其日後的作品。

感想：

關於追求真理、反抗強權的漫畫不算少，但難得這部作品真正以此為主軸，而不僅僅是作為主角使命而被置於焦點外圍——它沒有一個從頭到尾陪伴讀者的「人物主角」，相反地，角色們都在不斷「領便當」，因此描繪的角度也在不斷變迭，雖此，卻是環環緊扣承接，皆因由此至終圍繞住的是本作真正的主角：「地動說」，和它所代表的一群在背後不惜代價追求真理的人類。

如此嚴肅和富有哲理性的主題，從作品的探討深度以及與劇情的融合度來看，可見作者本身獨特的思考體會，絕非一般俗套的拾人牙慧之言，極具啟發性。不同的角色各帶有不同思維，精神層面是如此豐盛。真理抑或異端、正義或是狂熱、信念還是私慾，不斷來回衝擊讀者的思緒。

為了真理，人類可以付出什麼？到底是怎樣的一種東西，才能教人類如此不畏痛楚、得以克服內心龐大的恐懼而從容就義？

數百年後的今天，昔日的異端邪說成為了毋庸置疑的常識。正是由於前人接踵的犧牲才使真理不至於埋沒。又或者，真理必勝，因為人類擁有知性。

「你的敵人不只我一個。」他對異端審問官說。

即使肉體死亡，精神會傳承下去。

漫畫將這點完美地展現出來。

人類社會能有現今的境地，正是由過去許多人辛苦犧牲得來的結果，而他們都像漫畫中的角色們一樣，隱沒在歷史當中，不為人所知，留下的只有精神。故此，我覺得《地。》也是對人類精神的謳歌。

PS1 聽說七月尾會有中文漢化版實體漫畫，必須收！！！另外也聽說將會動畫化，必須睇。

PS2 而家recall好平淡，早前睇完激動咗成個禮拜，感想其實有好多但想留返有實體書再睇多次先。真心想知作者由細到大睇開啲乜可以畫咗呢部作品出來。

由認知宇宙的美麗所帶來的感動，反映在人類那雙輝映著星空的眼眸裡。

這份感動，由作者所繪畫的眼睛和宇宙景色傳遞到我的心中。

Written by 董啟章

斷斷續續搭車時睇，終於睇完。行文嚴肅，但係可以輕鬆睇，有時仲會睇到不自覺微微笑。因為本書乃係建構喺真實之上嘅胡說八道，幻想與史料接縫，有時都令人分唔清孰真孰假。唔係我睇開嘅書種，但的確有趣。最鍾意街道篇，隨手拈來〈愛秩序街〉後半一段：

「愛秩序少校的個人起居生活有條不紊，律己甚嚴，例如在前線戰鬥的槍林彈雨間，依然堅持在下午四時用下午茶。少校說話亦井然有序，層次分明，而且從不讓人打岔。所以少校亦可被視為一反戰分子，因為他對一切混亂深感厭惡，也不能容忍屍體橫七豎八隨處亂躺。愛秩序少校的神化，未知始自何時。可能由於早期本地村民飽受海盜的侵擾，而愛秩序少校派駐重兵布防的舉措維護了區內的安全，於是便有村民把他視為祈求平安的對象。後代輾轉相傳，愛秩序便蒙上了神秘的色彩。後來有人於海灣旁蓋建一愛秩序廟，供奉一威儀媲美關帝的愛秩序公，與附近阿公岩的譚公廟遙相輝映。據說在一九六六年因天星小輪加價而引發暴動期間，愛秩序公多次顯靈，囑咐人們服從香港皇家警察隊。

在一九九七年的香港街道圖上，愛秩序灣已經因填海工程而消失，愛秩序廟及愛秩序村亦不復存在。」

Written by 金文京

作者金文京教授乃朝鮮裔的日本人，二零一零年以日文出版《漢文と東アジア―訓読の文化圏》，其後自行翻譯成中文並加以補充，成為這本面向中文讀者的《漢文與東亞世界》。

本書通過使用漢字、漢文的不同情況，探討東亞各國不同的國家觀和世界觀。同時亦分析東亞各國與當時作為文化光源地的古代中國之間的地理距離和交流情況等如何影響各國形塑自身的語言觀和民族觀。

更有趣的是本書提及印度文化對東亞的影響。眾所周知佛教影響中國極深，而當朝鮮半島和日本受中國文化熏陶時正好遇上佛教盛行，於是兩國透過中國翻譯佛經（印度梵文）的過程，從中啟發對漢文、自身語言、甚至乎國際關係的另一番理解，並從此遺留深遠的文化意義。

👆🏻讀後使我更加好奇古代各國的文化交流與關係。定必與現今相映成趣。

最後，作者略有反思東亞各國之間的未來。建立「東亞共同體」的困難自不待言，「漢字文化圈」也似乎不可能。作者本身並無結論，但以東亞諸國之間的眾多矛盾來看，很難走上那條盟邦(?)之路吧。

零碎想法:

說到底，語言的特質是靈活，除非它的目的是表達而不被聆聽、紀錄而不被閱讀，唯有不被理解的語言才有保持正統純正的可能。

我們無法避免語言的使用習慣會改變，亦因此作為使用者的我們需留意自己如何改造了語言。近幾十年常談的「歐化」、近年常引人警惕的「支那化」，除了關乎語言的美感、歷史內涵、文章的表達之外，更重要的是其內裡盛載的文化思想和蘊含的情緒，能夠反映人，甚至是該民族的共同性格和思維。

粵語？廣東話？香港話？同一種語言定必有地區性嘅分別，口音、表達習慣、俚語等。

要做到粵語入文，應該要增加對粵語辭彙嘅認識，以免經常「有音無字」。另外，曾經都有人提倡香港人應該個個都要學識粵語拼音。見住候任創新科技及工業局局長孫東講普通話（有傳言話佢根本識講流利廣東話，而家唔講嘅背後原因係——），香港嘅官講普通話喎，加上不時聽到街邊中小學生講普通話，真係有啲驚。

本書購自一拳書館

Written by 李維菁

很喜歡My Little Airport的《詩歌舞街》，當中的歌詞「剛過生的作家你介紹那年 寫過只有散步我們才真正聊天」勾起了我的好奇，翻查下知道所指的作家是李維菁，於二零一八年病逝。

這部應該稱為小小說還是散文，年前花了數晚讀畢。恰如其分的篇幅，以犀利的目光和敏銳的筆觸構成的種種洞見。總覺得行文間滲透出一絲冷酷的傲氣，有種不好接近的氣息。舉筆成劍，也許是這種感覺。另一方面，又感到一些悲哀的痴情，是看透了現實的無奈。

Selected quotes:

〈物質的美好〉

物質是很重要的。在物質上慷慨的人，在情感上未必大方。但物質上吝嗇的人，在情感上必然吝嗇。

心意光用嘴巴說，卻沒禮物，這種人絕對不可信。那感覺就像是懷念祖先，用心就好，何必掃墓祭祖。很重朋友，何必寫信電話或見面。總在夜裡懷念舊人，所以根本不需要照片。

現實是不去掃墓你三年都不會想起列祖列宗。不聯絡見面，卻說是好友，這種話是做直銷的愛講。不翻照片，你不追悔曾辜負過誰。

人沒有那麼高尚。形式很重要。

〈說話〉

亟欲溝通的渴望，亟欲分享的迫切，才會讓這城市的每個人，一直說個不停。因為一直說卻不被理解，於是人們也忘了要聆聽。大家只好焦慮地繼續說。但大家拼命地說，說出的話卻不被傾聽，於是那些言語散失在空氣中，變成小小的漫天沙塵。

〈隨身攜帶自己的小世界〉

隨身攜帶一本書。強迫自己讀書裡頭的一字一句，掉進深深愛的夢幻泥淖，便會忘了性的焦慮挫折與性騷擾的憤怒無言。你幻想卜洛克在紐約的酗酒與哀傷，與愛人伊蓮步行到劇院途中，你試著想告訴他們那實驗性的戲劇其實做作又生澀。你開始覺得自己身上也懷著同樣的酒氣與夢境，儘管在這裡，你不推理也可以分享半吊子的哀傷。或者，你選擇潛入伊果頓的現代理論，用歷史與論證，把午後陽光之中搖搖欲墜的理智撐好，希望順便撐好你的骨氣。

〈我想我明白你意思了〉

一切徒勞，一切都回到原點，縱使那可能多麼美。

我們都一樣，無用之人做無用之事。

文學、藝術、音樂，改變不了一個錯誤，阻擋不了一個災難，挽救不了死亡，無法讓遭遺棄之人被愛。

⋯⋯

偏偏我們愛上的，都是不存在的東西。

就像賣火柴的小女孩，我們要留住幻覺，代價是死亡。

關於那些讓人流淚的，愛的失落，家的幻滅，從此漂浮無依的恐懼。詩人你不用擔心，我總會笑盈盈地眨著眼對大家說，沒問題的。

Written by Jennifer Ouellette

於科學層面解構「我」的存在，知識涉獵神經科學、生物學、心理學等，溯本尋源，又點到即止，不至於太顯淺令人覺得無聊，又不會太艱澀而使人卻步。資料搜集全面，解說知識之前通常先以科學歷史或生活故事／現象入題，是挺耐讀的科學書籍。

人類真的是很精密的科學現象，尤其是講到「意識」和「自我」的部分，解拆下來就彷如機器人一樣。而人類的生成，各種基因的揉合與變異，其複雜程度又是奧妙得難以理解。我身為「我」的主宰，卻又不是全方位掌控著「我」，因為我的體內尚有許多過程定義了「我」的存在，而它們皆不是我意識所及的地方。

所以，讀著讀著就有種過於客觀化自己的分離感出現。從此唯物主義的角度看自己，一方面變得清晰，另一方面又似脫離完整。

感覺下一本書要讀些相反的東西作平衡。

// Reading notes //

xiii It got me thinking about everything that goes into how we define ourselves and craft a personal narrative and how this in turn influences mot just our identity but the choices we make and what we think we can and cannot do.

xxx was the very definition of a Herculean task

4 Ask a physicist, and she might tell you that you are a collection of atoms (made up of even smaller subatomic particles obeying well-defined laws as they interact via forces. Ask a biologist, and he might tell you that you are an organism whose form is the result of complicated processes involving genes and proteins and countless biochemicals, working in tandem with environmental factors to shape a unique individual. A neuroscientist might point to the intricate wiring of the brain as the essence of self, while a social psychologist might say we define who we are via our interactions with others and our place in society – or by our “stuff”, the material objects with which we surround ourselves. And if you ask certain French philosophers, you might be told that the self is primarily a cultural construct, and reality itself is just a persistent illusion, at which point your head will explode.

PART I: ME

6 The debate now centers on matters of degree: how much of the observed variation among human beings for a given trait id due to each influencing factor.

14 My interest went beyond mere curiosity about xxx

16 drinking from the fire hose

17 What sets 23andMe apart from its competitors is social networking. When you order the kit, you also sign up for a one year subscription to what amounts to Facebook for the genotype set.

24 Johann Friedrich Miescher (1869) first discovered that the proteins found in WBC. He extracted the protein from the cell nuclei and found it wasn't protein but a new substance known as nucleic acid.

35 Like height, eye colour is highly heritable (90-99%), but there are not separate genes for blue, green, and brown eyes – or combination thereof, resulting in the astonishing range of hues found in ppl all over the world. Eye colour is a “multigenic” trait. That mean there are multiple genes, with multiple variants, interacting with one another in complicated ways to determine eye colour. Eye colour depends upon how much melanin is produced by the cells in your iris, the same pigment that gives colour to hair and skin. Different eye colours arise because there are diff amounts of melanin in he outer layer of the iris, as well as differing ratios between two types: eumelanin (a blaskish-brown pigment) and pheomelanin (a reddish-yellow pigment). The darker your eyes, the more total melanin your irises produce, because there is more eumelanin, which absorbs light, making the eyes appear brown. Lighter eye have less melanin and a higher percentage of pheomelanin. Instead, light passes to the deeper layers of the eye, where it is scattered by proteins, and then reflected back through the iris, giving it a blue colour. Green or hazel eyes are lighter variations of brown eyes.

36-37 Chimera: A chimera is an organism composed of cells that are genetically distinct. The DNA in Fair-child's skin and hair didn't match that of her children, but the DNA from her cervix did.

38 du jour = of the day

53 Broca's area: 1861, French anatomist & surgeon Pierre Paul Broca He encountered two patients who had lost of speech. He examined their brain after death and concluded the similar lesion site was the centre of speech. Now known as Broca's area. (Yet the area should be different from what's named today.)

56 Phineas Gage, who survived impalement by an iron rod only to be done in by violent seizures. (didn't lose functions, but had personality changed as lesion at the prefrontal lobe)

57 Wilder Penfield (neurosurgeon), together with German neurosurgeon named Otfrid Foerster, using electrical stimulation to map out the first cortical map in 1930. He published The Cerebral Cortex of Man in 1950, illustrated the famous homunculi.

58 Angular gyrus: sense of being, identify where your body is located in space, self awareness

One of the active regions when it comes to our sense of self is the medial prefrontal cortex (MPC). It is part of what neuroscientists refer to as the default mode network (DMN): those regions of the brain that are most active when we are daydreaming, e.g. as opposed to engaged in a task that requires focused attention. Those areas show high baseline activity even when at rest, and that activity actually decreased when the brain in engaged in goal-directed activities that draw attention away from self-awareness. Whenever we lose ourselves in a given activity — what athletes sometimes call being “in the zone” — our DMN is less engaged because we are less self-conscious.

Activity increases in the DMN and the MPC in particular — in proportion to how relevant the information being processed is about ourselves, particularly when we observe our face or body in the mirror, or in a photograph.

59 (cont'd) ...where we process social info., enabling us to predict how other people are likely to behave, and thus respond accordingly.

More than 80% of all known human genes play some active role in the brain, and the brains of any two people are roughly 94% alike.

Individual differences: synaptic patterns

62-63 Convergence zones — many found in the prefrontal cortex — integrate all the diverse info. being processed in different regions of the brain to create a unified record of the experience.

Plasticity is further enhanced by chemical neurotransmitters, such as glutamate, gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), dopamine, and serotonin.

Synapses are not passive storage devices. They are modified by experience and is the key to how the brain shapes its unique sense of self: you are your synapses. “The Synaptic Self” by LeDoux “connectome”: a snazzy digitized map, or circuit diagram. If you are your synapses, you are also your connectome.

64 The discovery of DNA's double-helix pattern in the 1950s.

“We are the product of our genetic inheritance and our lifetime experiences. Gene have influenced your connectome by guiding how your neurons wired together during the development of your brain. Experiences have also modified your connectome, because connections are altered by the neural activity patterns that accompany experiences. Your connectome is where nature meets nurture.” by Sebastian Seung

76 Personality traits = temperament + character

78 Freud and Jung met in 1907, their first conversation lasted 13 hours and ignited an intellectual “bromance” fueled over the next six years by the many letters they wrote to each other.

92 Big Five factors: The most common number of traits to emerge from the data, but doesn't mean that these are the only possible characterostocs to explain the differences among people. It's a broad overview, more adjectives mean a more nuanced view.

Behaviour is the result of an interaction between core personality traits and contextual situations.

Columbia University psychologist Walter Mischel pointed out that the typical correlation between someone's score on a personality test and their actual behaviour is only around 0.3, or less than 10% of the total behavioural variance observed in populations.

97 Daniel Nettle writes in Personality, “And the determinants of how the relevant parts of our brains get wired up are firstly genetics, and secondly, various early life influences over which we have no control and which seem essentially irreversible.”

98 Neuroticism: serotonin may be linked to the trait of it. Serotonin: comes from tryptophan, an amino acid found in foods that is often blamed for that sluggish, relaxed feeling after heavy meals. affects several major regions of the brain, with axons snaking from the limbic system into the cerebral cortex and frontal lobes, and offshoots into the hippocampus and pituitary gland, as well as the amygdala (fear center)

Higher score on neuroticism are more responsive to -ve stimuli, also differences in the size or density of the amygdala & a lower activity and density in the hippocampus and right frontal lobe.

When sensory stimuli trigger the neurons in these regions, serotonin floods into the spaces between the neuron cells. There, it either starts a chemical reaction, e.g. releasing the anxiety causing hormone cortisol into the brain, or it gets taken back into the cell, a process called reuptake. The process responsible for that reuptake is called a transporter. Some people produce serotonin transporters that are more efficient at funneling serotonin back into the cells. ... serotonin receptors affect all kinds of behaviours and personality traits. That's why the antidepressant Prozac targets serotonin transporters.

only one known serotonin transporter determined by just one gene, called the “Prozac gene”. It has an unusual sequence of 16 repetitions. Some ppl have full 16 copies, while some have shorter version 14 copies.

Longer version: more serotonin transporter Shorter ver is the dominant, make less transporter protein = more anxious Yet, neuroticism 48% heritable, 3-4% due to variability of transporter gene

101-102 intro/extrovert is linked to dopamine, which is derived from an amino acid called tyrosine and is tied to the brain's reward system, most notably the nucleus accumbens: the pleasure center of the brain. It has a large no. of dopamine receptors. Along with prefrontal cortex, sensory cortex, motor region — increase in activity in highly extroverted ppl, notably the limbic regions associated with emotional response to stimuli. becaz extroverts get a bigger rush from social contact, thrill-seeking or other activities, they are far more motivated than introverts to put in the effort to seek out such things, thereby reinforcing extroverted behaviour.

Gene that codes for dopamine receptor molecules comes in both long and short variants. ... long version is dominant and ppl who have at least one copy of long version tend to score higher on extroversion and novelty-seeking. Novelty-seeking: 40% heritable, gene account for 10%

Agreeableness: oxytocin and vasopressin. Two versions of the oxytocin receptor gene: A (adenine) & G (guanine) variant. People who have at least one A variant may be more vulnerable to stress & have poorer social skills. 1-2 A variants ppl are less optimism & self-esteem, more likely to be depressed than people with two G nucleotides.

PART II: MYSELF

120 GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) works by letting more chloride ion into brain cells to inhibit the firing of neurons. Drugs like diazepam increase GABA's effectiveness, while caffeine (a stimulant) odes the opposite. Alcohol, like diazepam, has a sedative effect, and regular heavy drinking may increase the number of GABA receptors in the brain, increasing one's tolerance even as it sooths anxiety. It's possible that people with a hyper-excited CNS are self-medication. That puts them at greater risk of developing alcohol dependence.

121 Ditto for another genetic variant, common in those of Asian or Ashkenazi Jewish descent, which causes a severe flushing response to alcohol. This is due to a deficiency in an enzyme our bodies need to process acetaldehyde, a toxic carcinogen produced while alcohol is broken down and metabolized. The enzyme turns acetaldehyde into the relatively harmless acetic acid (vinegar), so a deficiency results in a nasty buildup of the toxin in the body, leading to the aforementioned flushing effect.

128 Neurexins: glue neuron cells together to keep synaptic connections stable

Differences between alcoholic & non alcoholic: chronic have smaller, lighter, more shrunken brains, esp in the hippocampus and frontal lobe regions. less grey matter (neuron cells) & less white matter (axons) i.e. the connections are less dense.

131 Children in general have less white matter when they are young, and brain function is broadly distributed across many different regions as a result. as children age, the brain starts compartmentalizing, assigning certain functions to specific regions, thereby becoming more efficient at processing information. gray matter decreases and white matter increased, becoming denser and thicker to forge stronger connections between neurons.

132 teens that not become binge drinkers increase in white matters & processing efficiency as they aged, but not in teens who drank alcoholics notoriously appear to be stuck at the adolescent phase of psychological development. They still have that “teen brain”: the areas associated with reward mature before those regions involved with exercising restraint, so teens are esp prone to risky and impulsive behaviour.

141 Social psychologist Sam Gosling: He studied how we fill our spaces with material things, esp offices & bedrooms, to understand what they say about our personalities. “conscious identity claims”: things we choose based on how we wish to be perceived by others e.g. posters, artwork, books, music, tattoo “feeling regulators”: photographs of loved ones, family heirlooms, fav books, souvenirs from travel to exotic locales, anything that serves to meet some emotional need. “unconscious behavioural residue”: cues we leave behind our space as a result of our habits & behaviours, e.g. a highly conscientious person may alphabetize their books

144-145 Cultural historian Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: we are attached to old photo, family heirlooms or seemingly insignificant trinkets precisely because they keep us grounded in the present, and help us remember the past. In that sense, the objects with which we fill our homes play a vital role in how we construct our sense of self. Like Gosling, he lumps such totems into three distinct categories. There are objects that serve as symbols of status, or of good taste. There are objects relating to what he terms “continuity of self” that help construct memory and personality. Finally, there are objects of relationships, that linked us to our loved ones and broader social networks.

Facebook profile is one gigantic identity claim.

147 At the end of the day, Facebook is just one more tool we use for self-verification: we want to be known and understood by others in keeping with how we feel about ourselves. There is Objective Self-Awareness (OSA), first proposed in 1972, which holds that we are both the subject of our own life stories through our actions and an object when we evaluate ourselves, making reference to societal norms and standards. Facebook can serve as a social mirror, whereby we compare our own profiles with those of others in our network. ...always results in decreased self-esteem.

155 XXX would cease to matter

169 Jean Malpas: People rely on gender to help understand the world, to make order out of chaos. The social categories of man/woman, boy/girl are fundamental, and when an individual challenges that by blurring the lines, it's very disorienting.

185 Biological sex is wholly determined by chromosomes, but there are many other genes involved in development that contribute to whether a child is born male of female – or somewhere in between. 4% of babies may be born intersexed, and often the condition is not detected until puberty. But some ppl are missing one chromosome, or carry an extra one. And merely having the correct chromosomes isn't sufficient to determine biological sex, either. There is almost no difference between M & F embryos upon conception. At 8 weeks, a gene on the Y chromosome called TDF switches on, producing a protein that activates another gene, which produces testosterone and other hormones to prevent female internal organs from forming. i.e. if the TDF gene switches on, the fetus heads down the male track; if it doesn't, the fetus continues down the female track. But there are many other genes that must switch on at just the right time to ensure a fetus develops normally. e.g. r-spondin1 gene is linked to the development of ovaries. If that gene isn't functioning, that person, while genetically female, will grow up to be physically and psychologically male, although he will be sterile and it may not be clear whether he has male or female genitalia – or both.

196 A woman's sexual orientation may be partly influenced by prenatal exposure to a male sex hormone called androgen, and women exposed to greater levels of the hormone in the womb may exhibit more gender nonconformity in childhood, but this behaviour X correlate with a woman's sexual orientation later in life.

PART III: WHY

206-207 Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) or acid, is a member of the tryptamine family that is derived from ergot, a grain fungus commonly found in rye. LSD belongs to psychedelics drugs, Greek root words for “mind revealing” becaz of their ability to alter cognition and perception. LSD is water soluble, odorless, colorless, tasteless, and a dose as small as a single grain of salt (about 10 mg) can produce mild effects, with the full mind-altering impact kicking in at higher doses (50-100 mg).

The effects last several hours and include hallucinations, warped perception of time and space, and what is often described as a temporary dismantling of the ego or sense of self.

217 While the fandom fluctuations in brain activity might technically just be “noise”, the brain will take that noise and turn it into a pattern. Since there is no external input when the eyes are closed, that pattern should reflect the architecture of brain, specifically the functional organization of the visual cortex. “You are not seeing that the cells themselves, but the way they're organized – as if the brain is revealing itself to itself.”

218 Alan Turning is best known scientifically for his work on codebreaking, computing, and artificial intelligence during WWII, and personally for his arrest, conviction, and chemical castration by the British gov. becaz he was a homosexual, leading to his suicide in 1954. In the midst of all that personal drama, however, he still found time to publish a seminal paper in 1952 on the mathematics of certain regular repeating patterns in nature, notably tiger stripes, leopard spots and the precise spacing in rows of alligator teeth. These are known as Turning patterns. Turning came up with a set of equations to account for such patterns. He proposed that the patterns arise from interactions between 2 chemicals that spread throughout a system much like gas atoms in a box do, with one crucial difference. Instead of diffusing evenly like a gas, the chemicals diffuse at different rates. One chemical act as an “activator” while the other acts as an “inhibitor”. The activator chemical expresses a unique characteristic, like a tiger's stripe, and then the inhibitor chemical kicks in periodically to shut down the activator. The same type of mechanism might determine the distribution of species in certain ecological system, most notable the predator-prey model, in which the prey function as activators, seeking to reproduce and increase their numbers, while the predators act as inhibitors, keeping the population in check.

219 Nigel Goldenfeld & Jack Cowan: in such a case, the firing of neurons would amplify the Turning effect, making hallucinations more common. But if our visual cortex actually behaved in this way, it would interfere with our vision. “You don't want to be enthralled by a hallucinatory spiral when there is a dangerous tiger in front of you.” This may be why our brainy architecture is non-random: it confers an evolutionary adv. that limits interactions to stronger short-range connections with nearby neurons. Excited neurons simply follow the familiar uniform diffusion patterns we associate with the behaviour of atoms in a gas, and the visual external input from the eyes easily dominates any weaker internal activity.

230 LSD treating alcoholism & terminal cancer to ease the “reality” (state of shakabuku?)

241-243 Descartes even pinpointed what he believed to be the seat of the soul: the pineal gland – a tiny pea-shaped region near the center of the brain that secretes the hormone melatonin, which is tied to sleep wake cycles. Once scientist thought pineal gland is the seat of the soul, yet Francis Crick zeroed in on a thin layer of tissue just under the brain's insular cortex as a possible source of this unity. Known as the claustrum, this region connects to nearly every part of the brain, both sending and receiving signals continuously. Another suspect is the thalamus, sandwiched between the cerebral cortex and the midbrain. Patients in vegetative states usually have an atrophied thalamus, as well as damage to the white-matter tracts that carry nerve signals to and from that region.

Brain stem-thalamus-cortex axis

one case: no damage to brain stem or cortex, but the man was in a deep sleep. <-Ambien, wake up

Within the brain stem, there are objects called intralaminar nuclei that help regulate sleep-wakefulness cycles, as well as arousal, attention, and emotions. During sleep – but not during dreaming – this system shuts down, a true loss of consciousness. Zolpidem, propofol and similar drugs jump-start those nuclei, so that the normal sleep-wake cycle kicks in.

Basal ganglia: whirring away beneath the surface, making decisions via two feedback loops. One loop serves as a brake, or an “off” switch, stopping someone from physically acting out his or her dreams. (like trying to run or fly in our dreams) The second loop releases that brake – it serves as the “on” switch – and it's this loop that seems to be affected by sleep-aid drugs like Ambien and propofol. They trigger a reaction called paradoxical excitation and eventually leads to a deeper sleep.

245 Consciousness is a property that emerges from the many interactions between networked neurons in the brain. “mind is matter, and consciousness is emergent.”

247-250 H.M. (epilepsy case) can't transfer new memories to long-term storage. (happens in the REM sleep) H.M. still had his past personal memories and his sense of self.

Boswell (lost almost all autobiographical memories), but still had personality traits and social skills. He had a self, although autobiographical memory is certainly important to identity, it's just not central to consciousness.

Anesthetic (by propofol): certain brain regions that normally worked tgt fell out of sync; they ceased to communicate. When the patients were unconscious, small sections of the sensory cortex still fired in response to outside stimuli, but did not spread to other areas.

254 The no. of connections was largest between those areas of the brain closet to each other (local clustering) and declined as distance increased.

A means of quantifying consciousness: phi (Giulio Tononi)

261 2011 Raymond Mar found that the brain networks associated with stories overlapped significantly with the regions we use to navigate social interactions. He believes that this capacity helps us easier to predict their intentions and actions. He found that ppl who read a great deal of fiction, in which omniscient narration is common, are better able to empathize with others and view a given situation from another's perspective than those who do not.

262 The ability to comprehend another's viewpoint and project how that person might respond to a given situation also makes it much easier to manipulate other people for selfish end.

Andrew Gerber: The function of the human mind is to make rough approximations of the world, telling stories that allow us to predict what other actors are going to do. One way we do this is via “schemas”: sets of predictive models that enable us to make educated guesses as we navigate our social world, adapting our own behaviour in response to how we expect others to behave. Schemas are most often emergent, in the sense that you can't point to a single origin of the story. 同人互相Tell story: integrate info into our schema for that person.

265 an intriguing correlation between sensory perception and how we respond to metaphors. The more brain regions are involved, the more vivid our experience will be – and the more likely we will be to recall the details.

272 Stronger emotions = stronger connections and associations, more vivid memories. Amygdala and its powerful neurochemicals (dopamine, serotonin, epinephrine, norepinephrine, actylcholine), which serve as a primitive alarm system alerting the brain to potential danger or stress – fight or flight response. The cells that produce those chemicals are found in the brain stem, from which axons branch out into every other area of the brain to produce a coordinated sensory response. Fear and anxiety are the result of those cells flooding the neurons in various brain regions with neurochemicals, though only active cells are affected. Diff regions process and store diff sensory aspects of a given experience, and this widespread flooding of neurochemicals ensures that all those regions record info from the event. The cortex then integrates the info, and the experience becomes part of our memory. Those memories in turn may influence how we react in the future.

274 Henry Roediger explained that memories does not operate like a computer, where stored files are pulled and reopened intact. It is much more like storytelling where you are given a few cues and use those to make up the story. Our memories are distributed over several diff regions of the brain, and each time we recollect an event, we are, in essence, reconstructing it from scratch, based on a few key clues. Some of the details that emerge over time might be pure fabrication, but we still believe they are accurate.

276 The key to implanting a false memory is to start with an element of truth.

280 Jonathan Gottaschall: Our life stories are boldly fictionalized... based on distorted memories and wildly optimistic Ax of our own qualities. No personal narrative will ever be a purely objective account. The personal is inherently subjective, and we will often choose to tell the version of events that is most flattering to ourselves, We fabricate and embellish even when we believe ourselves to be truthful. We are accidental fabulists.

Written by Shoshana Zuboff

世界瞬息萬變，關鍵在於我們是否覺察到。

將現今的網絡時代與五年前相併比較，也覺差距甚遠，何況是二、三十年前剛冒起的時候。年代轉變之大，反映科技進步神速。轉過頭來，我們經已活在一個嶄新的數位世界，而其新穎程度甚至遙遙領先一般大眾的意識所及——有誰能夠肯定他全然了解現今的世界？當我們尚未觸摸到它的邊際，新的核心就已逐步成型，並開始旋動，將我們拋向另一個由他們掌控的新紀元。

他們是誰？他們掌控的是什麼？我們的未來會是何種模樣？

這些，正是本書作者Shoshana Zuboff（哈佛大學商學院榮譽退休教授）想要揭示我們的。科技進步本身不是一個問題，問題是，它應該有多樣性的發展航道供我們共同探索和選擇，而非只有少數人掌舵並走上的那條單一道路。

「如果數位化是我們未來的家，那也必須要由我們來建構才行。我們必須看清全貌，必須做出決定，必須決定將決定權交給誰。這就是我們替人類未來所打的一場戰役。」

就閱讀經驗而言，內容很長，雖然作者有意建立一套脈絡去闡述，但不是很容易跟上，自己要花一段時間理順它的概念。要不是對這個議題有興趣，可能草草速讀便算。不得不敬佩作者，因為她所觸及的、勾勒的，是我們前所未見的樣貌，她要這麼從一片荒蕪中摸索並整理出一個輪廓來，殊不簡單。

於是，這是一本緊貼時代的重要作品。

很同意作者所言，監控資本主義利用各種科技去達成其目的，但科技本身不是監控資本主義。近年大家常說的演算法，它亦不必然是監控資本主義。問題是在於企圖，通曉這一切知識和技術的他們想將人類社會推向一個怎樣的局面。作者亦時常重申我們不該慣性地以舊讀新，試圖發掘新現象的熟悉之處，然後犯下以偏概全的毛病。近年常談的極權主義，作者亦詳細地說明了當中的差異，並稱若將之對等只會阻礙我們對這種新權力的理解，削弱我們抵禦的能力。

因為不認同，所以才會想抵抗。但在這之前，必須先有所覺察，洞悉它的內在邏輯，才能作出屬於自己的判斷和改變。透過本書，就能大概明白到如今我們的線上行為被人掌握到一個什麼程度（說是全面掌握也不為過），各企業如Google、Facebook、Microsoft甚至網絡供應商等等又是如何利用我們免費提供的材料去進一步發展只屬於他們的科技和知識（當然賺錢是重要一環，就不必說了）。而隨著他們主宰了市場、引領了潮流，人們的行為又是怎樣被逐步改變。各式各樣的智能產品與服務佔據了人們的生活，製造出一股淘汰陳舊之物的風潮，以進步為名的旋渦繼續捲走每個角落的行為剩餘（behavioral surplus，轉換成行為數據的人類經驗）。

這種「進步」是回應人們本身的真切需求，還是相反地，是人們為了追趕上這種「進步」而改變自身的特點？事實是，越來越多人為了進步而服從；亦變得越來越無法抗拒「智能」（和背後的監控）。

最有趣之處，是作者分析了人類一路以來的時代背景又是如何影響了我們，令我們彷彿急不及待地與他們融合。「我們不能單純將監控資本主義的效應，當成科技造成的後果，或純粹將其視為一群惡人的不良意圖。監控資本主義那前後一致的可預期結果，是來自其內部前後一致、成功的累積邏輯。」個人化、新自由主義、有利市場的意識導向、911恐怖襲擊所成就的監控例外論……加上監控資本家的政治洞見：他們看準了當時政治、學術、文化乃至於公眾的需求，便把他們的目的加以包裝配合，即若產生了一種互惠的關係，繼而互相賦權，令他們得以逐步搭建監控資本主義的王國，並最終將成就那「機器控制主義」（instrumentarianism）：「基於修正、預測、牟利、控制等目的，將行為給機器化、工具化」。機器控制力量不單止充份了解人類的行為模式，更能加以修正人們的行為至「滿足他者需求」。

如果說極權主義是人類靈魂工程，那麼機器控制主義就是人類行為工程。

如此下去，未來會是何模樣？作者多番引用著名行為心理學家B. F. Skinner的理念及其寓言小說《桃源二村》中那個將行為修正利用得淋漓盡致的「科學的烏托邦」，從中警示我們——無論機器控制主義是與國家權力融合（現代中國），還是繼續按目前走向將社會全面建構成蜂巢，將人類經驗客觀化、把人類物化——皆無可避免民主與自主的死亡。由數位掌控的社會將失去人性，「人是否擁有自由意志」也許將從此成為考古學的討論。

PS 在沒有民主的地方，有種隔岸觀火的感覺…… PS2 網絡上有人把書中的概念與重點整理了出來，超強的QQ

Written by Irving Stone

一路讀來，《梵谷傳》是我每夜寐前的慰藉。文生(Vincent)的人生藍本，伊爾文．史東(Irving Stone)的編纂，配以余光中舒心流暢的翻譯，在此世途暗局，竟有療癒之效。上乘的譯本，讀來無突兀之感，而能利用譯語之妙來深化意境，使人坐在本國的載船，仍能順暢地航於異國之海。余光中先生以大學畢業之齡用不足一年的時間譯成此傳，令我景仰拜服到極。

而文生的一生，回想起來心腔是如此揪緊，無法僅用寥寥片語概括。他的偉大難以形容，只能直接去了解。未受他的畫作所感動之前，我先被他的為人所震撼。身為牧師之子，他的命途始於福音。礙於性格，他被勉強派去礦區傳道，期間推衣解食，奮力救災，耗盡生命去解救那群世世代代受貧窮奴役的工人。他任由自己滿身煤污、吃乾硬的麵包、住粗劣的茅房，甚至一同下礦，即使生病仍拒絕接受舒適的解救，只因他認為如此才有資格向礦工們宣揚福音。

這段礦區的時光是書中我最為喜愛的描述。縱然充滿悲慘，結局亦令他深受打擊，但若非此他則不會將熱枕轉投於藝術。同時，這段短短的篇幅簡易就描繪出他至善真誠的特質。他單純、無私、堅強——簡直，從未見過如此純潔的靈魂。日後，他被村人排斥、高敢離他而去、割下右耳給妓女、住進精神病院……都是因為世上無人能承受他那彷如針刺的純真，包括他自己。

卻，除了他的二弟西奧(Theo)。無數次被西奧對哥哥的愛所感動，如果說文生捨身奉獻世人，那麼西奧就是為了他哥哥而生。在文生由學畫到巔峰至衰亡的十年間，西奧就是個時間推進器。供應一切畫具和生活費不在話下，每當文生下沉、碰壁，就唯獨西奧給他鼓舞和指引新路，許多的機會都由西奧而來，只有他真心真意相信哥哥。即便自己家累繁重，仍以哥哥優先。無論何事，都絕無怨言。如無西奧此人，則無文生其畫。如余光中所言，可惜的是，文生未嘗為西奧畫一張像。

文生以身殉道之後，西奧也緊接其離去，終年僅三十有三。死前，他仍整日為宣揚文生的藝術而奔走，最後因悲傷及操勞過度引致作病身亡。縱觀全書，最椎心的莫過於此處。幸而，多年之後，他的妻子讀到聖經中一句「死時兩人也不分離」，便把西奧運去葬於其兄身旁，總算使人心理上多少有點安慰。

百年之後，他倆舉目現世，不知作何感想。這人間光景，是否依然吸引你去畫？

(9.2019)

Written by Алексиевич С. А

2015諾貝爾文學獎

厚厚的一本書，差不多600頁，花了半個月時間讀完。不太有壓力，就算有點精神疲勞時也可以讀，所以速度可以去得很快。作者說比起描寫盧旺達的紀實作品，她的書更像是床邊讀物。的確是一個個扣人心弦的故事，有部分更深刻得充斥著我整晚的思潮，在入睡前和半夢半醒之間都想著（因此我都避免讀完即睡）。閱讀這部作品時我經常會想為什麼俄羅斯人（應該說是蘇聯人？裡面還有白羅斯人、烏克蘭人、帕米爾人等等）這麼會說故事？隨口就能將過往有條不紊地組織成文，其中靈活多變、感情豐富，明明是椎心泣血的過往卻額外讀出了一份美麗，用美麗的語言敘述痛苦！我沒有讀過契訶夫、托爾斯泰等文豪的作品，但從人們的故事中可以讀出他們。人們就是被書本書刊的味道所包圍長大的，受詩人的教育，所以他們的語言如此動人，彷彿和生活融為一體，肯定是用盡全力去生存和感受才能得來。

不同受訪者講述自己的人生，經由作者之手拼湊出一個時代的多種面貌。他們回憶自己，也回憶別人。那是個和幸福沾不上邊的時代。人們告密，妻子的丈夫就被送進勞改營，活受折磨，也許十年後他能回來。回來後，大多性情大變，有的妻子能照顧他，有的無法接受，丈夫自己如是，因此自殺。有的連妻子也被審訊勞改至死。如果心靈強壯得可以不改變自己而能熬得過去，回來後竟要裝作一切正常，如常和告密者（親人、鄰居或同事）作伴。明明心知肚明，但不能宣之於口。和德軍打仗，以緊絀的資源全身投入，「為偉大的史太林作戰！」，只能夠殺死對手或者殺死自己，二選一，投降就是叛變。英雄只會戰勝或者死亡，歌頌英雄！昔日的「蘇聯兄弟」、「民族情誼」，一日之隔便幻化成殺人的匕首，在異族的肉體各處斬開切口後將其內在的所有都搗爛。因為名字不同，即便是胎兒也要在鮮血中窒息。林林總總的殘忍行為、失常舉措，在當時就像呼吸一樣自然。瘋狂的理智，為何會這樣？誠然，我們無法忽略人性中有一部分是對暴戾充滿愛戀。泯滅人性？到底我們對人性掌握多少？不如說，其實是人性被釋放了，就像群眾解放了個體的狂熱。

正如他們自己所言，他們是劊子手，同時也是受害者。痛苦是他們的共同語言，而戰勝痛苦的唯一手段是忍耐。終於，等到了蘇聯解體，迎來了「自由」和「資本主義」……可是，自由是什麼？「從來沒有人教育我們自由是什麼，我們只被教育如何為自由而犧牲。」世界翻天覆地轉變，琳瑯滿目的市場出現了，數不盡的香腸和牛仔褲，從各地運來的廚具和玩具，物質與理想和語言平起平坐了，有人覺得這是在治療他們過往的傷口，亦有人無從受惠於這一切而感到羞辱和失落。帝國消失了，他們有的人在國家轉變之際真切期盼，對於未知的未來所懷抱的希望與因之衍生的幸福感在當刻達到高峰。卻在瞬息之間，他們再次墮入另一個生存困局：物價上漲，積存的工資不敷使用，他們仍要過上貧窮日子。這對昔日黨員來說更加是惡夢：偉大的帝國不戰而敗，敗給了各式各樣的芝士。他們一直睥睨的資本主義入侵了城市，如今社會主義成了笑話，他們引以為傲的理想成了人民唾罵的對象。俄羅斯已經不復存在了，他們認為自己經已活在另一個國家，一個沒有精神的國度。他們羨慕在舊日離逝的同志，因為他們可以執持著信念而死。

有趣的地方是，即使這些黨員們過往親身遭受過殘酷的審訊，經歷過只有麵包沒有大衣的冬天，也上過戰場，怎樣也好，他們都依然擁戴史太林的年代，縱然言談間流露出他們的後悔、不滿和各種矛盾之處，或許這就是無可奈何的人性保護自己的方法。其中一個黨員自述時，在作者停止錄音後他才敢講出自己十五歲時做過的事：舉報親舅舅匿藏食物，使他被紅軍砍成碎片。我認為由這件事開始，他就必須對共產黨忠貞至死。假若沒有了宏大的理想，他和其他人要怎樣活下去？理想沒有過錯，殺人的是子彈。連史太林自己都說史太林不是他，反而指住畫像中的自己。對，就是這麼一回事，一個龐然的機械體系，人不過是當中的小零件，今天組裝成鐮刀，明日即可拆卸做天秤。只是，人的靈魂在哪兒？

書中尚有無數發人深省的對話和經歷。然而，隨住時間，一切將被遺忘。無論發生過什麼，鮮血都會被洗走，骨頭變得沉默，哭泣聲只會在鬼故事中繼續迴盪。人類生存可不是為了化成歷史書上的隻言片語吧。那麼，這一切是為了什麼？

國家變革後，過往的觀念、社會結構、生活方式等等皆面目全非。如此劇烈的轉變下，有人跟不上時光的節奏而選擇停留在故往，亦有很多人欣喜地擺脫了恐怖時代，卻怎樣也無法適應新的文明，依然無法迎來幸福……資本主義也許只是另一個惡夢。於是，逐漸有人懷念起舊日，重拾對共產時代那種「平等」和「單純」的生活的嚮往。同時，自一九九四年以來白羅斯的統治者根本從未更換過，而俄羅斯本土則有普丁一直連任，這片土地上的人彷彿就被轉了一圈，經歷過天旋地轉的數十年後，舉目所及仍舊如昔。

闔上書本，放眼今日的世界，內心複雜。也許，沒有上帝視角的我們只餘謙卑和堅忍。每個世代都有他們的信念之爭，鮮血和淚水流灑一地，永不竭止。

Selected quotes:

所有的時間我們都在談論痛苦，這就是我們學習的方式。在我們看來西方人很天真，因為他們不曾遭受過我們一樣的苦難，任何小膿瘡他們都有治癒的藥方。但我們是蹲過勞改營的，我們是在戰爭中從成堆的屍體中爬出來的，我們是在車諾比用光裸的雙手撥開核燃料過來的……現在我們又坐在社會主義的廢墟上。……我們的語言，只有痛苦的語言。……我們對不久前的世界還一無所知，就已經生活在另一個新世界了。整個文明都建立在廢墟上。

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有人告密，總是有這樣的人，他們的心很黑，活著，但沒有靈魂，他們只有醫學上說的心臟，而不是人類，對任何人都殘酷無情。在戰爭中，人最害怕的就是人，不論是自己人還是外國人。你白天說話鳥兒會聽到，夜裡說話老鼠會聽到，都不怕。媽媽教我們禱告，她說，要是沒有上帝，連蟲子也會把你吞食。

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官僚機構是一部有操縱能力和生存能力的機器，哪裡有原則？官僚從來沒有信仰、沒有原則，沒有這些模糊的形而上學。重要的是坐穩位子、長袖善舞、左右逢源，以前是怎樣進貢羔羊快狗的，以後也會繼續這麼做。官僚主義是我們的坐騎。列寧說過，官僚主義比鄧尼金還可怕。官僚主義的衡量標準就是對個人忠誠，不要忘記誰是你的主人、餵你的手是誰的手。

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我們的藝術對死神尤其鍾情。我們的血液中就有崇拜犧牲和死亡的基因。生活嚮往的是主動脈的破裂。雖然藝術熱愛死神，但還有法國喜劇。為什麼我們幾乎沒有喜劇?『為了祖國前進！祖國或者死亡。』我總是教學生要燃燒自己照亮他人，教學生要學習丹柯的事蹟：剖開胸腔捧出自己的心臟，點燃心臟照亮他人的道路。我們從來不談生命，或者很少談，談的總是英雄！英雄！英雄！英雄的生活……只有犧牲者和劊子手，再沒有第二種人。

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半世紀過去了，我都沒有忘記她。一個女人，帶著兩個很小的孩子。她把一個受傷的游擊隊員藏進了地窖，有人告發了她，在全村人的注視下，她全家都被吊死了。先吊死孩子，她那個叫聲啊！那不是人類的聲音，是母獸的叫聲。一個人是否值得為另一個人做出這樣的犧牲？我不知道。

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死亡機器不間斷地工作了幾十年，它的邏輯是獨一無二的：受害者就是劊子手，而劊子手最終也是受害者。好像這不是人類發明的，一切只是完全產生於自然界當中。齒輪在運轉，但是沒有人感到罪過。沒有！每個人都希望能受到垂憐，所有人都是受害者。在這條食物鏈的末端是所有人。……人的一生都是在善惡之間搖擺著。你是要用削尖的鉛筆刺入女人的乳頭，還是你要被如此對待……選擇吧！選擇吧！

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不能按照一般的邏輯法則來審視我們！不能像會計師那樣計算！你們必須明白，能夠判定我們的只有宗教法則！這叫信仰！對你們來說什麼是偉大？什麼都不是。只有舒適的生活。一切只是為了胃口，為了十二指腸，為了滿足肚子，還有遊樂玩耍。……都是我們，是我們給美國運去了糧食，是我們決定了歐洲的命運，是俄羅斯士兵為全人類而犧牲，這些才是真相。而我們自己是怎麼活的，在我們家裡，五個孩子只有一雙鞋子。我們吃馬鈴薯加麵包，冬天時還是只有馬鈴薯……而你們還要問：『共產主義者是從哪兒來的?』

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他們是怎樣殺我們的，你們看不到，那就讓我們試著做給你們看看。

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可是現在，曾經是勞改營的這些地方，有的變成了咖啡館，有的成了度假木屋，還有放養的乳牛在吃草。真不應該回來的，不該回來！我那麼難過地哭泣，那麼痛苦地思索，都是為了什麼？這一切都為了什麼？再過二十年，再過五十年，一切都將成為過眼雲煙，好像我們從來沒有存在過。只會有兩行字留在歷史教科書上，對索忍尼辛的推崇將按照索忍尼辛的方式成為歷史。此前有人因為讀《古拉格群島》而被監禁。我們透過偷偷影印或者傳抄來閱讀。我相信，我相信，如果成千上萬的人開始閱讀，那麼一切都將會有所改變。……又能怎樣？這些書躺在書架上，落滿了灰塵，人漠然地從旁邊走過……我們還活著，但我們也已經不存在了。